I'm back home—well, in my city. I'm headed back home tomorrow, and I honestly don't know how I'm feeling right now. I think I've been running, and I'm not sure I can carry on here. I believe all the moving around somehow made me realize that I no longer fit in here. By here, I mean my geographical home, which hasn't really felt like home for a while now.
I don't know how it's going to be when I step into that space and it dawns on me all over again that I will not see him or hear him ask me, "How was your trip?" I miss the annoying sound that came from his transistor radio (I hated that radio sound, I still hate it).
I thought I was over this sh*t, was wondering why I've been feeling all down and gloomy these past couple of days. I guess now that I know why, I'm not sure how to deal with my feelings at this point.
Usually, indulging in extracurricular activities helps, but none of that right now is helping; it's all just temporal. I guess I'm just going to keep running for as long as I can and keep busy too.
Well, distractions will be plentiful; robotic motions and doing things absentmindedly will become more frequent these next couple of weeks. That's the only thing that works when things feel a bit too much and suffocating. Out-of-body experience: it's like watching someone else live your life.
I still remember watching me on the hospital floor crying like a baby, and I kept asking, "Why are you crying?" I split into different personas and question my actions when things don't make sense. But that day (9th of February 2023), one minute I was numb, the next it felt like I couldn't breathe, and then it was like I was being sliced open from the inside. Still processing…
Maybe I'll be consistent when I get home, maybe not. I really don't know.
Well, this came late, so I guess it's goodnight then.
Remember to breathe.
🫶🏽🫂